


sugar-dusted lips

by senjorgen



Series: sugar-dusted lips series [1]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Celeb au, Clexa, F/F, a bit of lexa/costia, director/actress, i think it's fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-23
Updated: 2016-05-24
Packaged: 2018-06-10 07:24:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 18,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6945505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/senjorgen/pseuds/senjorgen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>lexa's the director. clarke's the new actress in town. what more can i say?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. one

**Author's Note:**

> i will keep the descriptions to a minimal. but you'll get the gist of it quickly. there will be grammatical mistakes/missing words. and i don't know how the industry works. i apologise in advance. 
> 
> also, i'm a sucker for celebs au. hence, i wrote this. i have finished writing the whole story. bear with me.

Lexa was going over the choice of actresses with the casting director. She nodded along as the casting director went over the details and personal opinions. Usually, she would pick out the actresses and leave the important decision to Reyes. She trusted her judgement. Mostly, she would rather have one less responsibility to do.

Raven Reyes entered the room and dismissed the casting director. Raven’s opinion was more important.

“Why am I doing this?” Lexa asked.

“You know. In France, the director decides on everything. Not the producer.”

“We’re not in France.”

Raven changed the subject. “Her?” She eyed the picture Lexa was holding. “Too blonde. Mousy looking.” Lexa looked at her but said nothing.

“I watched the audition tape. She seemed alright.”

“Alright isn’t good enough for the investors, Alexa. How about this one? A star in the making, huh?” Raven picked up a photo of an actress with the black hair.

“She’s too young.”

“Isn’t that better?”

“Raven.”

Lexa knew better that the pressure came from the higher ups. Old white men wanted actresses who were younger, fresher, and too naïve to know something that was not good for them. But this was her movie. She’ll get the last say. Or Raven and hers.

“Just pick one.”

“What’s your opinion on them?”

“None.”

That was true. Unfortunately, this was not good news for Lexa. If none of them had made an impression, what was the use of them? A bad opinion was better than nothing.

“Who’s this? She wasn’t in any of the audition tapes here.”

Lexa picked the unclipped picture out of the closed folder. The actress was blonde, blue eyed, average height. At first glance, she was ordinary at best. The cliché characteristics of an actress. The typical stereotype. But the actress was beautiful, Lexa would give her that.

But something about her made Lexa curious.

“Born in Australia. American. Fresh out of the water by Hollywood standards. Done a few small films and commercials.”

“Why was her folder the odd one out?”

“She didn’t come.”

“Then, call her?” Lexa said like she didn’t know what the big deal was. She didn’t. “Did she send the initial audition tape?”

Raven scoffed.

“There are literally million other actresses who would die to be in her position. And she missed the opportunity. Why should she be any different? I discarded her.”

Discarded. Like she was yesterday’s meatloaf. Raven can be insensitive. But who could blame her?

Lexa pressed her lips together. Raven was right. Like she always was. They had been working together since the first film Lexa had made. It was Raven who sought her out among more qualified and experienced directors. But Raven chose her first.

“Just send me her original tape. Like you’ve said a million times, time is money. We can’t send another scouting assignment with the time we have left.” Lexa reasoned. “If she’s not up to our standards, I’ll choose the one here.” She tapped her forefinger on the scattered photos. Several faces are frozen in time. Hopes in their eyes.

Raven was silent for a few seconds.

“I’ll get your assistant to send you the email. Let’s just hope your special girl is the one.”

She left the room.

 

\--

 

After making some small changes to the script, Lexa lifted her legs on the table and sipped her coffee. If she could work at home, she would. She leant her body forward in the chair and pressed play on the video clip.

A video clip of the actress she had been meaning to check out since yesterday. She placed her mug on the table and grabbed the folder she brought home. She read over the details once again. Her name was Clarke Griffin.

Several minutes later, the video ended. Her opinion?

Clarke had talent. Just like another actress Lexa knew. She was also an enigma to Lexa. And that was enough for Lexa to warrant an appointment with the actress.

Lexa called her assistant.

“I sent you an email. Details about an actress named Clarke Griffin. I want you to call her agent and set an appointment to meet Clarke at my office tomorrow at 10 am. Let Raven Reyes know as well.”

She could hear scribblings against the paper on the other line. “Actress. Griffin. Reyes. Got it.”

“Good.”

“No problem.”

“Thanks, Cos.”

The call ended and Lexa went back to work.

 

\--

 

Raven propped herself onto the couch, watching Lexa work at the table and massaging her left leg. Lexa was going through the shooting schedules.

“Where’s the girl?” Raven spoke up first. “She’s late, isn’t she? I told you. This girl’s not worth it.”

“It’s only – ” Lexa checked her wristwatch. “9.45 am. She’ll be here.”

“Good thing your assistant’s smart. If not for the coffee she brought, I would think this is a waste of time. I’m beginning to think it is.”

Lexa rolled her eyes at Raven. Her office phone rang. She pressed the speaker on.

“Yes, Costia?”

“Clarke and her agent are here to see you.”

Raven perked up, suddenly interested in the appointment. Probably wanting to size the actress up. Like she always did.

“Send them in.”

For some reason, Lexa was nervous. A bit. The door opened. Two strangers walked in.

“No way,” Raven said in excitement. Lexa was puzzled. “Octavia?” Raven stood up from the couch and grabbed Octavia by the side arms. She was forward like that. Octavia didn’t seem to mind as she opened her arms to hug her.

Lexa looked at Raven and then, at Octavia. Waiting for an explanation.

“We knew each other in highschool and college.” Octavia offered first.

“Knew each other? We were partners in crime.”

After that, they were in their own world. Chatting away.

Lexa rested her gaze on the equally confused person, Clarke Griffin. True to the written information, she was 5’5 and slim in nature. Clarke met Lexa’s gaze and gave a small smile.

Prettier in person.

The photo in Clarke’s folder did not do her justice.

“Clarke.” Lexa started first. She gestured her to sit down. “Octavia? Raven?”

“Oh. I’ve booked us a place at the Pyes for brunch. I thought it would be a good idea if we were in a more personal setting. Raven, join us?” Octavia replied.

“I can’t. I have a set location to inspect and finalise some things with boring people. You know how it goes.” Then, there was something in Raven’s eyes. A flicker of an idea. “How ‘bout you join me? We have a lot to discuss still. I’m sure Lexa and the actress of yours will be fine. Get to know each other.”

Raven gave Clarke a once-over. Lexa resisted rolling her eyes at her. Raven winked at Lexa before leaving the room with Octavia.

“Your assistant knows my number. Give me a call once you’ve decided, if Clarke is the one you want. Or not.” Octavia spoke as if Clarke was not in the room. She gave a thumbs up to the said actress and left with Raven.

Silence hung in the air after the door was shut.

Lexa looked at Clarke again and decided that they should go get brunch and start there.

 

\--

 

They sat opposite of each other. In a room full of important people. Men in expensive suits. Women bathed in too much perfume. It was not even lunch yet. If you wanted to feel insignificant, this was the place to be.

“So, Clarke. Tell me about yourself.” Lexa said.

Clarke lifted her eyes to meet Lexa’s. They were bluer than Lexa expected. Clarke said the same things she had said in the video. It was not what Lexa wanted.

“No. Tell me something that you wouldn’t usually tell someone about yourself to a person like me.”

Clarke took a sip of water. Lexa indicated that Clarke must be nervous.

There was that little smirk on Clarke’s face. Was it a smirk? Lexa couldn’t tell. But she was more interested than she was ten seconds ago.

“I paint.”

“A true artist at heart. What do you draw?”

“People. Places. Whatever I feel like.”

“Good. And good to know.” Lexa just nodded. She had a feeling Clarke would not have a problem in portraying emotions.

“Why did you miss the audition?”

“I-I.. had a family emergency.” Clarke sounded sincere and true. Lexa believed her.

Clarke’s eyes were really blue. Lexa catching herself in Clarke’s eyes, again. She felt her throat go dry. It was her turn to drink.

They talked a few more. About the movie, the characters, the technicalities, and so on. Several moments later, Lexa found herself sharing a story about her first movie.

Clarke was attentive. Something Lexa had noticed.

Brunch was over. She checked her watch and realised she had some other place to be.

“It was nice meeting you, Clarke.”

Clarke responded with a smile. Lexa stared at her lips for a second and averted her gaze quickly.

 

\--

 

Lexa had set up a second audition and called back two actresses. Raven was not fond of this idea. This time, it would be a reading with the already chosen lead actor, Finn Collins. Raven had chosen him.

The casting director was going through which scenes to perform with Finn.

“I don’t see why we needed a second one. It’s a - “

“A waste of time.” Lexa finished Raven’s sentence. “But it’s not. Chemistry is important.”

She was tapping her pen against the wooden table. She was anxious to see Clarke in action. She was hoping she would not be disappointed. She also called in the girl Raven had wanted. The black haired girl named Alice.

Alice was the first one. A hopeful smile pasted on her lips. Lexa didn’t see what Raven saw in her. Perhaps it was something else by the look on Raven’s face.

Oh, no. Lexa nudged Raven in the ribs with her elbow.

“We’re here to evaluate. Not picking candidates for a warm body in your bed, Raven.” She whispered harshly.

After everyone was ready, the audition started. The girl was fine. She was still too young. Nothing out of ordinary. There was some chemistry, but Finn didn’t seem captivated by her. Nor did she by him.

Perhaps her mind was set after the black haired girl left the room. She knew who she wanted.

Clarke came in afterwards. Lexa snuck a glance at Raven, hoping to get a read on her. Clarke dressed casually.

At first, she read her script alone. The second reading it was with Finn. Lexa watched the two of them and closed her eyes for a moment. To get a feel of their deliveries. She opened her eyes and tuned out their voices.

She watched their expressions. There was chemistry. A really good one. Finn seemed satisfied. Clarke looked confident, but not too much that it seemed boastful. Lexa looked at Raven. An approving look on her face. This was a good sign.

Lexa was right in her choice. It felt good to be right.

Raven was right, too. This was a waste of time. She had already chosen Clarke since they’ve first met in person.


	2. two

Contracts were signed. Set locations, schedules, designs, and scripts were approved. There was still a lot of work to be done. It was nice to get some out of the way. Lexa knew there was going to be a problem. There was always one. As if the universe planted it as a rule for every project. She was used to it.

It was night. Raven was in Lexa’s office. She took her brace off and relaxed against the cushion after pouring herself and Lexa a glass of whiskey each.

Lexa sipped and felt the smoothness of the liquid slid down her throat. Her stomach felt a weird kind of warmth. They were quiet for a while and content with each other’s presence. At the end of the day, they were friends who trusted each other with their lives.

There was a knock on the door, interrupting their moment of silence. The door opened and Costia’s head peeked out.

“I’m going to go home.”

“Okay. You should. Take care.”

Costia waved goodbye at Raven and Lexa. Then, there was a small smile that was reserved only for Lexa. Raven caught that.

“Are you still sleeping with her?” Raven asked after Costia left.

Lexa choked on her drink a little. She coughed a few times. She put aside her drink.

“No.”

“You’re a liar.”

“Really.”

“Sleeping with your assistant. How cliché is that?”

“I’m not sleeping with my assistant. It was only ONE time and it was at a party.”

Lexa was getting exasperated.

“Costia turned down a job offer from another studio.”

“Why would she do that?”

“Because of you,” Raven said it bluntly and proceeded to finish her drink.

“That’s crazy.”

“Crazy in love.”

“She’s not in love with me.”

Lexa thought about that but brushed it off. She barely knew Costia on an intimate level.

“Why else would she turn down a job that pays better and a position that could lead to higher places?”

“Because she likes it here? The people? She enjoys working here.” Lexa said to Raven. She sounded like she was convincing herself.

“Whatever.”

“Besides, why would anyone fall in love with me?”

“You’re kidding, right?” Raven threw the couch pillow at her. Lexa caught it her hands and hugged it.

“You’re right.” Then, they both laughed. Best not to bring up Lexa’s past partners.

“I’m always right, Lexa.”

They fell quiet for a moment. Lexa’s thoughts wandered. Her mind suddenly filled with blonde hair and blue eyes. She blushed at the unexpected thought of Clarke Griffin.

“What are you thinking?” Raven asked.

“Nothing.” Raven looked at her hard. “I was thinking about our actress,” Lexa said nonchalantly. Raven’s eyebrow arched up.

“Clarke Griffin. I like her.”

“You do?”

Lexa was surprised.

“Yeah. She’s genuine. Maybe a little naïve, but not too much to the point she doesn’t know what she wants. A good head on her shoulders.”

It was a full fleshed compliment from Raven. A rare one. Lexa felt proud.

“Say it.” Lexa teased her.

“What?”

“You know what.”

Raven groaned loudly.

“You were correct, Lexa. You were right. You’re a genius. Perfect.”

Lexa laughed and shook her head at Raven in amusement.

“You like her, don’t you?” Raven asked.

There was no point of denying it. “I do. I think she has potential in being more.”

“Not I meant. I mean, you like.. like her?”

“What are we? Middle schoolers?”

“Whatever.”

 

\--

Lexa awoke from her sleep when her phone rang. She picked it up without looking who it was.

“Hello?” She greeted groggily. She checked the clock on the wall. It was around ten in the evening.

“Alexa?”

Lexa recognised that voice. “Clarke? Yeah, it’s Alexa.”

“Did I wake you? I’m sorry. I got your number from my agent. And you said, if there’s anything to discuss, I should talk to you.”

“Yeah. Sure. What did you want to talk about?”

“The script.”

“Okay.”

“May I come over?”

There was a pause. Lexa didn’t know what to say exactly.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t ask. It’s getting late.” Clarke was mumbling quickly. She was nervous, Lexa thought.

“No. It’s fine. I’ll send you the address.”

“Okay. See you.”

Then, the call ended. Lexa typed in her address and hit sent. She saved Clarke’s number.

 

\--

 

Was it right? To have your lead actress in your home, and you’re the director? She could just imagine the scandalous headlines if the word ever gets out.

Good thing Clarke wasn’t the main attention of the paparazzi. She was still relatively unknown. Lexa knew that in a few months’ time she will be known. Next week, Clarke’s name will be attached to the project publicly. Publications will write about her on print and websites.

Lexa hoped that Clarke had a good publicist.

The doorbell rang. Lexa let Clarke in. She helped her get out of the coat and hung it the closet. Clarke turned to face her.

“I didn’t think you would live in an area like this,” Clarke said. “I mean – I would have thought someone like you would be in somewhere more..”

“Expensive? Luxurious? Around rich people?” Lexa chuckled. “It would only attract more attention. The media wouldn’t think to come here.”

Her apartment was small, much to her ex manager's chagrin. At least, no large parties could ever be held in here. She loved it here.

Clarke nodded. She was wearing a sleeved shirt with the top buttons opened. Lexa fiddled with her fingers to distract herself.

“Smart.”

“Do you want something to drink before we get started? Alcohol? Juice? Water? Tea?”

“Green tea would be nice.”

 

\--

 

Lexa went over the parts where Clarke was worried about. She’d be lying if she didn’t notice the faint brushes of Clarke’s hand against hers. Then, there was the small bump of shoulders.

Whenever Clarke leaned over to Lexa’s side, Lexa breathed in the sweet fragrance of Clarke’s shampoo. It was making her dizzy at how close they were sitting.

“Alexa?”

“Hmm?”

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah. And just call me Lexa. Please.”

“Lexa.” Clarke tested her name and smiled. “Something on your mind?”

“Do you drink alcohol?”

“Yes.”

“Red wine?”

“Sure.”

Lexa stood up and went off to the kitchen to get the bottle she’d been keeping for a few years. When she came back into the living room, Clarke was walking around and picking up ornaments and picture frames. Looking at everything that was tangible.

Her gaze finally rested on Lexa. She approached her. For a moment, Lexa stopped breathing. The shadow covering half of Clarke’s figure. Clarke came into full view. Lexa breathed out slowly. She felt her fingers grazing against Clarke’s. Clarke took the wine glasses and walked back to where they were sitting earlier.

Lexa joined her and sat a little further away from Clarke. She poured the wine into each glass. Liquid crimson red filling the space. Clarke watched as she did it.

“Here.” Lexa gave Clarke the wine. The green tea wasn’t finished.

“Thanks.” Clarke tipped the glass and drank at the same time as Lexa. Her eyes never leaving Lexa. She licked her lips and placed her wine on the table.

“Clarke?”

Clarke hummed. Lexa paused for a millisecond.

“Have you talk to Finn about the first scene?”

“Yeah.”

“What did he say?”

“He was looking forward to it.”

“Is it weird for you? To have the sex scene filmed first?” Lexa wanted to be blunt about it.

“Sex scene,” Clarke said huskily. Lexa took another sip of her wine and rubbed her neck. She could feel the blush creeping up to her cheeks. Clarke’s words washing over her like a tide.

The wine. It was the wine. Lexa convinced herself.

“Do you have a problem with it?”

“Nope. I don’t. I think it’s better. Just get it over with quickly.”

“I agree. Good. I’m glad you’re fine with it. Have you done one before?”

“Yeah. A few.”

“Ok.” She drank again, not wanting to think about Clarke being in bed with other people. Suddenly, the room fell quiet.

Lexa averted her gaze to the stack of scripts. She bit her lower lip in nervousness, mentally asking herself what was she doing. Clarke still eyeing her. She moved closer to Lexa.

“Lexa.”

“Yeah?”

“What made you want to do this? Making movies. Directing them.”

Lexa met her eyes. It was a genuine question that needed a genuine answer.

“To be honest? As a kid, daydream too much. Even to this day, I guess. I want to frame the world the way I want it to be. To create. To envision. It’s exciting, isn’t it?”

“Favourite director?”

“Easy. Alfred Hitchcock.”

“Really? Interesting.”

“We differ in our choice of genres. His films were his. You could just see and feel it. Like he had imprinted himself in every frame.” Lexa smiled. “I’m sorry. I got carried away.”

“I like it when people are passionate about their interest.” Clarke paused before continuing in a quieter voice. “I like it when you talk.”

Lexa’s breath hitched. Was it just a passing compliment? Was it more? She had no idea. Whatever it was, it made her heart skipped a beat.

“How about you? What made you want to be an actress?”

“It’s a boring story.”

“I want to hear it.”

“It started with the school play. I had too much pent up energy. I guess I found my calling on the stage.”

“How about painting? Was it your first love or second?”

“I don’t know. I think it came at the same time.” Clarke chewed her lower lip lightly. Lexa took notice of it. “Lexa?”

“Yeah?”

“I have a confession to make.”

“Go on.”

Lexa chuckled at how innocent Clarke’s voice sounded.

“I didn’t think you were a director when I first walked into your office.”

“Why is that so?”

“I thought you were an actress.”

“An actress?” Lexa laughed. “Why?”

“I don’t know.” Clarke scooted a little closer to Lexa. Her eyes wandered from Lexa’s forehead, eyes, nose, and to her lips. “You’re really pretty.”

“You’re pretty yourself.”

Lexa didn’t breathe.

“You’re beautiful.” Clarke looked at her in the eyes. She meant what she said. “I can see why now.”

“I think the red wine is talking.”

Lexa felt the heat on her cheeks and neck. Her hands were warm. Her heart was racing faster than usual. And all Lexa could think about how it would feel to have Clarke’s lips on hers.

Clarke moved back a little, leaving some distance between them. The cool air settling in between them.

“It’s getting late.” Clarke stood up and gathered her scripts.

“You’re right. I’ll let the writers know about the changes we made.” Lexa walked Clarke to the door.

“Thank you.”

“For?”

“Doing this.”

“It’s not a problem.” Lexa grabbed Clarke’s coat from the closet and gave it to her.

“Is it okay, if I call you if there’s something else I have in mind?”

“Of course. I would like that.”

“Great,” Clarke smiled. Her eyes shone a little. “Any time?”

“Anytime.” Lexa opened the door for her and watched her enter the elevator.

Lexa closed the door behind and leaned against it. She lifted her eyes to the ceiling. She had a feeling. She didn’t know what it was. But _it_ was coming.


	3. three

The day was mildly breezy. Lexa took in the view of the city. She was on the rooftop alone. This was her quiet spot. When the silence in her office became too much, she would go here and try to clear her mind.

She heard a door opened and light footsteps coming towards her from behind. She didn’t bother turning around. She knew who it was. She felt _her_ arms circling her waist.

“Costia.” Lexa greeted her assistant.

“You’re smoking, _again_.”

Lexa did smoke. It was only for a while before she flicked the cigarette off and watched it fall to the street below her.

“Bad habits die hard.”

“Stress?” Lexa hummed in response. Costia’s chest connected with her back. “I can help you.”

Outside, Lexa looked as calm as ever. Inside, it was the opposite. Her mind was constantly buzzing. Her hands would sometimes shake because she wasn’t getting the proper nutrients. This would happen every time when the dates come closer to the start of the filming. Then, she would fall into bad habits like smoking and inappropriate affections with a certain assistant.

Costia pressed her lips on Lexa’s neck. Lexa turned around in Costia’s arms and started to kiss her. Costia let out a small whimper when Lexa bit her lower lip.

“We can’t keep doing this.” Lexa breathed before she started nipping on Costia’s neck. She sucked lightly on the pulse point, eliciting a soft moan from Costia. She lifted the hem of Costia’s skirt with her free hand and found the waistband of her underwear. Her fingers were moist as she felt Costia. “This will be the last time.” She whispered into Costia’s ear.

 

\--

 

Lexa was grocery shopping when her phone vibrated. She picked it up. It was Raven.

“The studio executives invited us to dinner at the Golds.”

“Why..?”

Lexa stopped in her tracks and grabbed her favourite cereal from the shelf.

“They invited Clarke and Finn as well. They want to see the money faces.” Lexa scoffed.

“Sure. When will it be?”

“Tomorrow. At 8. I’ll pick you up. I need to make sure you’re wearing more than just a simple button up shirt.”

Before Lexa could protest, the call ended. Lexa put her phone away and grabbed a carton of milk. She pushed her cart and avoided any straying eyes. So far, nobody recognised her.

It had been a while she had been in the news. It was a good thing. If she kept this up, maybe she’ll feel normal walking streets like any other ordinary citizen. She was at aisle 5 where the jams were. Her phone rang, again.

“What is it _now_ , Raven?”

“It’s Clarke.”

“Oh! Hey, Clarke. I’m sorry. I thought you were someone else.”

“Are you busy?”

“I’m about to finish up here. What do you want?”

“I-I.. was wondering. If you want to meet up with me?” Lexa listened to Clarke taking a deep breath. “To talk over the scenes.”

“Of course.”

Lexa’s mood was lifted.

“I’ll meet you here. I’ll send you my location.”

“See you in twenty?”

“See you.” Lexa sensed there was a smile on the girl’s face. If only she could see it.

 

\--

 

The café Clarke picked was secluded and had little customers. She was smart to pick this, Lexa thought. She entered and saw Clarke by the corner. Clarke looked like she was sketching something.

“Clarke.”

“Hey.” Clarke lifted her eyes to meet Lexa’s with a wide smile pasted. She put away her book and stood up for some reason. They were standing awkwardly, unsure what to do with their hands.

Lexa offered her hand to shake. Clarke looked at her, confused. She grabbed Lexa’s hand and slowly pulled her into an embrace.

“Hey to you too,” Lexa said softly. She was stiff at first, but slowly warmed herself against Clarke.

“We’re friends, right? Is it fine? You’re _my_ director and I’m _your_ actress?” Lexa’s jacket was too thick. She thought she felt Clarke’s hand rubbing her lower back.

_My actress._

“I like to think we are. I think it’s important. To forge a good relationship.” Lexa suddenly remembered of Finn. They talked once.

Clarke let go of Lexa. They sat opposite of each other.

“Coffee?”

“I’m good. So.. what are the scenes you want to go over with?”

Clarke took out a copied version of the script with lots of scribblings on the sides. There were post-its pasted. Lexa found it amusing and relieved to know that Clarke was a dedicated one. She smiled a little.

The girl had several interpretations of how she would like to portray the character. Lexa listened to her and sometimes nodded. Clarke wondered if they were right.

“I think your ideas are creative, Clarke. You thought this through.”

“What do you think? How would you like me to do it?”

Lexa began to explain. Sometimes, she would pause midway sentence and be enamoured at how beautiful Clarke looked up close. Or when her eyes twinkled at something Lexa said. Or her mouth opened slightly to let out a small laugh when Lexa said something silly.

Blue eyes staring back at her. They were full of attention and curiosity. If Lexa stares for more than ten seconds, she swears she’ll drown in them. She had to look away for a moment.

“May I?” Lexa pointed at Clarke’s sketchbook. Work related conversation ended a minute ago.

“Ok.” Clarke hesitated at first.

Lexa opened the book. Her fingers traced lightly along the paper. Careful not to press the drawings. She flipped through the pages.

She felt Clarke’s eyes on her.

“These are beautiful, Clarke.”

“Thank you.”

Another page turned.

“Is this.. me?”

Small nervous laughs were heard. “Yeah.” Lexa lifted her gaze to meet Clarke’s and smiled, assuring her that it was fine. “You’re very easy to draw. Easy on the eyes too.”

Lexa felt her stomach flipped at the compliment. They were small sketches of Lexa. Lexa sitting down by the office table. Lexa loosening her tie. Lexa with glasses and a camera in hand.

“You drew me in glasses.” Lexa chuckled lightly at that. “I’m flattered, Clarke. To be among one of your subjects.”

Clarke said nothing in return and shifted uncomfortably in her seat. Lexa returned the sketchbook.

“Will you be at the dinner tomorrow?”

“Yes.”

Clarke’s smile returned.

“Will you?”

“Yeah.”

 

\--

 

Lexa was done doing her makeup. She heard small quick taps against the glass from the living room. The source of the sound was Raven. The latter had let herself in.

“You’re predictable, Lexa.” Raven dangled the key at Lexa and went back to her phone. “Under the mat, really?”

“Give me that.”

“Whatever.” Raven put the key on the coffee table and set aside her phone. She stood up. All dressed up in her dress.

“Where’s your brace?”

“I took some meds. Heavy meds.”

“Raven.”

Lexa crossed her arms. 

“It’s only for a night. Let a woman live. I’ve been working my fucking ass off for months.”

Lexa softened. Raven was a wonder woman. She deserved this.

“I know. Just.. don’t drink tonight. No alcohol.”

“Yeah. Yeah.” Raven waved Lexa off in dismissal. “You look nice. Unusually nice.”

“Thanks?”

“Too nice.” Raven looked at Lexa suspiciously. “Who are you impressing?”

“Nobody.”

“Yeah, right.” Raven didn’t push it. She grabbed her purse. “Come on. Our so called executive producers are waiting for us.”

 

\--

 

There were seven of them at the round table. The lead actors, Raven, and Lexa, and three unrecognisable others. But Raven knew them.

Lexa glanced at Clarke every few times. Clarke looked nice with her hair swept to one side. She looked at Lexa, too. Then, Clarke had laughed at something the old white man said. It was a fake laugh.

Because Lexa knew how Clarke’s real laugh sounds like.

“You’re a beautiful one.” The man with the receding hairline spoke. “And you.” He looked to Finn. “Both of you would make a good looking couple.”

“I agree.” A middle-aged woman added. “The public will think so, too. What do you think, Miss Reyes?”

“Two good-looking white heterosexual people together. How unique.” Raven replied with a tinged of sarcasm in her tone. None of the three caught it. “It’ll translate nicely on screen.”

Lexa coughed. She still didn’t know their names. Finn excused himself to the bathroom.

“Alexa, Reyes said you’ve requested an increase in budget. All of us respect your visionary. But……”

The three went on and on. Lexa just nodded and tuned them out. She honestly didn’t care. If they didn’t have the budget Lexa needed, she was more than ready to leave the project. But they were close to filming already.

Lexa reasoned, charmed, and joked. She told them something they would like to hear. Complimented their efforts. And everything else about finance was forgotten.  She also noticed Clarke was watching as she spoke.

 

\--

 

The dinner ended. The three strangers had left earlier together with Finn. Raven invited Lexa to some high-end club where Octavia was currently at. Lexa rejected when she saw Clarke waiting for something.

“Clarke Griffin.”

“Lexa.” Clarke looked surprised.

“What are you still doing out here? In the cold.”

“I don’t see any cabs here.”

“That’s because, in this area, nobody uses one. They have their cars and personal drivers.”

 “Do you have one? A personal driver.”

“I do. He’s on a holiday.”

“That’s nice.”

“Since my only ride ditched me for some party. I guess we’re both stuck.”

Lexa had just realised and laughed.

“What’s funny?”

“I really don’t have a ride home.”

Clarke titled her head to one side. Curiosity filled her eyes.

“There’s a subway near here. I think.”

“It’s pretty far.”

Clarke wet her lips and gazed at the empty street. Her hands in her coat pockets.

“We can walk. Will you walk with me?” Clarke asked. Perhaps it was the lack of light or something else that made Clarke’s blue eyes a shade darker.

Lexa couldn’t say no.

“I thought you would never ask. In this very cold night.” She grinned.

They were quiet on their journey. Walking side by side. Careful to not let their shoulders touch. And their careful warnings of “Don’t step on that” and “Watch your step”.

 

\--

 

They were in the subway. The physical interaction was unavoidable.

Lexa had a need to protect Clarke for some reason. She had her hand on Clarke’s forearm, guiding her.

“I know where to go, Lexa. I’ve been here a million times.”

Lexa let go of her.

“I.. uh. okay.”

“Why are you nervous?”

“I don’t know. It’s been a long time since I’ve used the subway. That’s all.”

It was not just that. There were people. People who might recognise her. People who could confront her. Crowded areas weren't her thing.

“Come on. We’ll miss the train.”

Inside, they sat opposite of each other. The doors closed. All the seats were occupied. A woman sat next to Lexa.

Clarke was staring at her. Lexa’s forehead wrinkled for a second. She decided that she’ll return the favour. A smile wanting to break free for her lips.

The way Clarke was looking at her was making Lexa nervous. Blue eyes trailing from Lexa’s eyes down to her feet, and back to her eyes. Lexa saw Clarke’s made a fist. Clarke’s leg over the other. Lexa stopped breathing. She saw the restraint.

Heat pooled in the pit of her stomach. She bit her lip down and looked up. She breathed in and out slowly. When her eyes return to Clarke, Clarke was already busy with her phone.

The woman next to Lexa grabbed her forearm suddenly.

“Hey. You’re that woman.”

“Excuse me? Please let go of me.”

“I knew it. Your face. You’re that director who broke up their marriage.” The stranger’s eyes widened.

“I did not – “

“And there was another actress –“

Before the stranger could finish, Clarke interrupted them.

“We’re here, Lexa.”

“Are you the actress she’s seeing? I swear she had brown hair.”

Clarke ignored the stranger and grabbed Lexa’s hand. They were out of the train and away from the intruder.

“Are we at the right stop?”

“No,” Clarke said as she let go of Lexa’s hand. “We can get a taxi.”

 

\--

 

“I’m sorry about that,” Lexa said. She was looking out of the window.

“You were distressed.”

“Yeah. It happens.”

“I understand why.”

“What do you understand?”

“Why people like you don’t take the subways anymore.”

Lexa laughed. _People like me_. Were there people like her?

“Thank you.”

Clarke rested her hand on Lexa’s thigh in response and squeezed. Lexa’s placed over Clarke’s. Her fingers slid between the gaps of Clarke’s.

They stayed that way until they reached Lexa’s building.

Lexa paid the driver and sat back in the chair. Clarke looked she didn’t want to go just yet or leave her side.

“Do you want to come up?”

 

\--

 

Lexa had changed into something more comfortable. She left her makeup on.

“Do you want something to drink?” She asked before she drank her water.

“Water would be fine.” Clarke approached her. “If you don’t mind?” She looked at the bottled water Lexa was holding.

“Go ahead.” Lexa gave it to her.

“Thanks.”

“You can’t use the subway anymore after tomorrow.”

“Why?”

“People will talk about you. Write about you. Want to see you.”

“How am I supposed to get to places?”

“I’ll have my personal driver drive you.”

“He works for you, no?”

“Yes. His new orders would be to drive you. So, you don’t have to pay anything.”

“I can’t accept that.”

“Yes, you can.”

“At least, let me pay half of his salary?”

“No.”

“Lexa.”

“Clarke, trust me. Once the filming’s over, you’ll get a car for yourself.” Lexa squeezed Clarke’s shoulder in assurance.

“Ok.” Clarke let out a small smile. “You’re too nice to me.”

“You are worth it.” Lexa slipped. Now, she couldn’t take it back. She looked away and sat down on her couch. Clarke joined her.

“What’s this? My movies?” Clarke picked her old films. Small and short featured films.

“I have Finn’s as well.”

Lexa quickly added. She didn’t have to. But she did.

“I’m embarrassed.”

“You don’t have to be. I need to know my actors and how to work around them.”

This was true. Somewhat.

“I was terrible in this one. I just know it. Don’t watch it.”

Lexa smiled. She was amused to see Clarke’s desperate discouragement.

“I haven’t started. You’ve never watched it?”

“I don’t watch myself.”

“Then, how will you learn?”

“Some directors are helpful in pointing out my mistakes. Some just kept quiet.”

Lexa nodded.

“You’re helpful,” Clarke added.

“We haven’t started shooting yet.”

“You’ve done more than I can possibly hope for. Thank you.” Clarke’s knee touched Lexa’s. “I don’t know how I can repay you.” Her eyes dropped to Lexa’s lips.

Lexa cleared her throat.

“You can repay me by doing well during filming. That’s all.”

Her chest felt tight. She needed to calm herself and got up. She poured herself the same wine she had few weeks ago.

Once calmed, she went back to join Clarke on the couch. Clarke turned on the TV and played one of her movies.

“We’ll watch it together.”

 

\--

 

Lexa shared her comments and wine with Clarke. Clarke finished the wine all at once when the movie was half way through.

It was a love scene. Clarke shifted uncomfortably. Lexa watched her.

“You’re staring.”

“Are you embarrassed?”

“No? Yes. No.” Clarke grabbed a pillow and hugged it for support. “Yes..”

“How adorable. It’s just a love scene.” Lexa’s eyes returned to the screen. “You’re a natural.” When Clarke’s character started to moan, Lexa shuddered. Perhaps, she was not the only who’s uncomfortable.

The love scene was slow. It was not as explicit as Lexa had thought. Lexa found herself entranced by the look of Clarke’s character. The scene ended soon after. Lexa heard Clarke taking a deep breath in and out.

They finished the short film in silence.

“Can we watch something else? Finn’s maybe? Netflix?”

“I don’t feel like watching anything.” Lexa turned the television off.

“Ok.”

“We can talk.”

Clarke turned in her seat and leaned against the armchair. She lifted her legs and placed over Lexa’s lap.

“Do you mind?”

“I don’t.” Lexa rested her hands on Clarke’s hands, feeling the smoothness of her skin.

“Talk about what?”

Lexa knew Clarke wanted to ask her something since the incident.

“You can ask me.”

“About?”

“You know what I mean.”

“Is it true?”

“No.” Lexa sighed. She went on, “I didn’t break up someone’s marriage. They were already divorced when the news broke out.”

“But you were with her? Were you?”

“That’s true.” Lexa rolled her head back and looked up to the ceiling.

“I never believed those stuff. About you, I mean.”

“There’s some small truth to every tabloid rumor out there. It’s just. skewed.”

“My friends talked about you. Acquaintances.”

“Do they, now?”

“Yeah. Some are friendly comments. Some are not so… Besides, I could list off ten people who would sleep with you.”

Lexa laughed airily. She looked at Clarke and saw that she was serious.

“I highly doubt their reason be that they’d find me attractive.”

“You are attractive,” Clarke said in a low voice. “Anyway, what happened then? After the news broke out? If you don’t me asking.”

Lexa felt like she could trust her. She did trust her.

“Things fell apart.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.” She gave a small smile. “It was never meant to be.”

“Still. It must suck. With the tabloids and all. How about that other actress?”

“Clarke.” This was a topic she wasn’t ready to discuss. “I’m not a good person. The things you hear about me. Read about me. They’re not true. It’s just that -”

“I don’t believe them.”

“Even if you don’t, it’s always good to be cautious. Not just me. There will be others.”

“You’re not a bad person, Lexa.”

Lexa might believe her.

“You’re just a human with flaws,” Clarke added.

 

\--

 

They played another movie. It was one of Lexa’s favourite: Pyscho. Clarke fell asleep. Her head leaned heavily against Lexa’s shoulder.

“Clarke?”

Lexa huffed. She should be offended. But she wasn’t. How could she? She carried Clarke into her bedroom and pulled the covers over her. Clarke looked peaceful. Lexa took a nap on the couch.

By morning, Clarke was gone.


	4. four

“No. I don’t want that lamp. Get me a different fucking lamp. It ruins the lighting. The atmosphere.” Lexa was on the phone with the production buyer. “Yes. I fucking care about my artistic values. I told you. I’ve discussed this with the designer. Get. Me. A. Different. Fucking. Lamp. The shooting’s in two days. That will be the end of it.”

She slammed the office phone down. Before she could light her cigarette, there was a knock on the door.

“Come in.”

If there was another problem, she was going to chew off whoever comes through that door.

“Hey.” Costia greeted.

“Did you need something?” Lexa couldn’t help, but sound annoyed.

“No.” Costia locked the door behind her.

Lexa’s furrowed her eyebrow.

“Costia.” Costia’s hands were already on her.

Unbuttoning Lexa’s blouse. Pulled down her trousers. Fingers in her. Tongue in her mouth.

 

\--

 

Lexa was grateful for the soundproof walls she had installed _a year ago_. She got up from the couch and turned to see Costia still naked.

“Do I have a meeting later?” Lexa asked as she dressed up.

“Yeah. In an hour.”

“Ok.”

Lexa picked Costia’s clothes and gave them to her.

“I need to give you something. Put your clothes on.”  She went around the table and retrieved the envelope from the drawer.

After Costia was clothed, she went to sit down in front of Lexa’s table.

“What is it?”

Lexa took a deep breath in and out, unable to look at Costia in the eyes. The enveloped was shred open. Costia took out the letter and read.

“I’m sorry.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me?!” Costia screamed at her.

“I’ve called some people. People who owe me. I–“

“You’re firing me?!”

“The pay is better. This will be good for your career.”

“I can’t accept this.” Costia tore the letter apart.

“Yes. You can and you will. You’re fired. Effective immediately. I need to clear out your desk.”

“You can’t even look at me, can you?”

Lexa lifted her gaze to meet Costia’s angry eyes. She really was sorry.

“It’s for the best, Costia. I can’t be the **only reason** why you’re still here.”

“I am in lo-“

“Costia. Stop.” Lexa slammed her hands on the desk, startling Costia.

Costia looked furious and sad. Tears were running hot. Lexa resisted reaching her hands out and the tears away.

“When did you write this?”

“A week ago.”

Costia scoffed in disbelief.

“Why? Why now? Who’s going to help you when the shooting starts?”

“I can find another assistant.”

“I’m good at my job.”

“I know you are. Too good. That’s why you’re going away.”

Costia shook her head like she couldn’t believe what she was hearing.

“I’m replaceable. Just like any other. You just.. throw them away when you’re done. I get it now.”

“That’s not true.”

Lexa pressed her lips together. Her blood boiled.

“You fucked me. Ten seconds later. You fired me. Who does that?” Costia threw the shredded paper at Lexa.

Costia continued before leaving the room, “You know. I defended you. I tell them you’re a good person. I tell them you were different. But I guess they were right all along. You’re just like **_them_**.”

 

\--

 

 

Lexa was downing her fifth shot of vodka. Slumming against the edge of the bar. She hated vodka. She felt horrible.

“You’ve started the mini party already.” Her ex-manager, Anya, sat on the stool next to her. Her perfectly manicured nails tapped against the wood. “Don’t you hate this stuff?”

“I do.”

“How did you get here, anyway?”

“By subway.”

“Who are you and what did you do to Lexa?”

“Anya.”

“Fine.” Anya fixed her hair before continuing, “What did you do, now?”

“Nothing.” Lexa didn’t want to get into details.

“You called me. So, there must be something.”

“Maybe I just want to see you?”

“Oh, darling. That’s a lie.” Anya laughed emptily. She called the bartender and ordered a mojito.

“I need you to find me a new assistant as soon possible. No interviews. Fast learner.”

“What happened to your previous assistant?”

“I fired her.”

Anya looked at her with a curious look on her face. She almost looked impressed by Lexa.

“Finally.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“She was too good for that job. For you even.”

“How did you even know –“

“I know everything.”

“Yeah. Yeah. You and Raven with your know-it-all's brains. Give me a break. I feel pretty shitty for firing her.”

“Darling, self-pity is not a good look on you. How did she take it?”

Lexa straightened her body and stared at her old friend.

“She was angry. Really angry.”

Anya looked at her silently, telling Lexa to go on. Because she knew there was more. She always knew.

“I fired her after we..”

“After you fucked her. I’d say her anger was justified.” Anya laughed dryly. “Lexa, that’s cold. **Real** cold.”

Lexa emptied the next shot quickly.

“And dirty. I know.” She didn’t think she could feel more horrible. But she did.

“Dirty’s not my choice of word. It’s close, though. You did the right thing, Lexie.”

Lexa cringed.

“Don’t call me _that_.” She groaned.

“It grounds you. Lexie. Lexie Lexa. Lexieeeee.” Anya drawled Lexa’s old nickname.

Lexa shut her eyes tightly and buried her face in her hands.

“Shut up.”

“I’m serious. You did the right thing. You gave her a better opportunity she deserved, and you let her go.”

Lexa’s body relaxed. A little relieved.

“I kind of miss her.”

“But it didn’t change the fact that you were being a dick when you did it.”

“Thanks, Anya. I needed that.” Lexa rolled her eyes.

But Anya was right.

“Everyone is expendable in this business. You know that.”

“I do know **that**.”

“Back to business, when do you need the new assistant?”

“Shooting’s starting the day after tomorrow. So.. I need her on the first day of shooting.”

“Jesus Christ, Lexa.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“How am I supposed to find one this fucking late?”

“I don’t know, Anya. Work your magic. You know people. I believe in you.”

“Ha. Ha. You owe me.”

“Fine.”

 

\--

 

Anya drove Lexa home. She made comments about her apartment. Lexa just brushed her off as usual.

“Lex, this is a problem. You need better security.”

“I think Bob’s great at his job. He’s smart.” Lexa gave Anya her best drunken smile as she sat on the couch.

“You know what I mean.”

“I like it here. Okay?”

“I’m going to check your refrigerator.”

“You’re not my mother.”

“When was the last time you went grocery shopping?” Anya called out from the kitchen. Lexa heard the opening of the refrigerator door. “Jesus. This is old. You need to clean your shit out.”

“I hadn’t had the time.”

“Mmmhmm. I’ll make a list for whoever’s your new assistant will be.”

“I don’t like strangers in my home, Anya.”

“Come on. I’ll get you to your bedroom.”

Anya dragged Lexa and gave her a slight shove onto the bed.

“Gee, thanks.” Lexa sat lazily on the edge of the bed.

“No probs. Let me undress you.”

Lexa smirked at her as if she had heard something so scandalous.

“I expect some more flirtation before this.”

“Whatever, Lex. You’re drunk. And it’s late. I have lots of shit going on tomorrow. At the same time, I need to find you a new assistant.”

Lexa let out a loud sigh and complied. Under the duvet and face to the pillow, her nose tingled at the faded scent of Clarke’s perfume.

 

\--

 

Costia always brought her preferred coffee and aspirins when needed. Unfortunately, Costia was not here anymore.

And it made Lexa’s day even worse. Considering all the last minute meetings she had to go to. Going through to today’s schedule worsened her headache.

Walking into her office, she saw a sleeping figure on the couch. It was Clarke. Lexa froze for a few seconds before approaching Clarke slowly.

“Clarke.” Lexa gave Clarke a little shake.

Clarke rubbed her eyes and opened them. She saw who it was and quickly sat up.

“Oh, shit. I’m sorry. I fell asleep. Your assistant wasn’t here, so I just let myself in and waited.”

“It’s kind of late. I just came back from a meeting. How long have you been waiting?”

Clarke checked the time on her phone and shrugged.

“Not long.”

Lexa sensed Clarke was lying.

“Why are you here?”

She leaned against the table, putting distance between them. Her hands gripped the wooden edges. This same position where Costia..

“I didn’t know you wear glasses.”

“I do.”

She couldn’t be bothered with contacts. The effort was too much.

“You look nice.”

“Clarke, is there something you want?”

Clarke bit her lower lip in hesitation.

“I don’t think I’m comfortable. About tomorrow. Being naked in front of people.”

“Clarke, we’ve discussed this. You signed an agreement. You told us –“

“I know.”

Lexa sighed and ran a hand through her hair. She pushed herself off the table and paced around. Then, she stopped in her tracks.

“It’s okay. We can figure this out.” Lexa approached Clarke and held her hand in assurance. “I’ll clear out the crew. It’ll be just me, the cameraman, gaffer, and the producer. How does that sound?”

Clarke nodded meekly in response. Her worried eyes turned to soft ones.

“Thank you.”

“Don’t worry. You’ll be wearing something nude on your chest. There’ll be lots of close-up shots.”

Lexa couldn’t help, but lightly cupped Clarke’s cheek with her hand. Realising what she was doing, she quickly distanced herself from Clarke.

“Thank you, Lexa.”

Her senses were clouded with Clarke’s fragrance. She watched Clarke’s lips moved with each syllable. Seconds later, she looked away.

She was overcome with thoughts. ‘Past Lexa’ wouldn’t compromise this much. But ‘Present Lexa’ didn’t think it was an obstacle. It was something new to work around with.

“It’ll be fine, Clarke.”

“I’m not ashamed of my body.”

“I know you’re not.”

“I don’t mind being naked from the torso and up if it’s only going to be a few people watching. I want to do this right. For the movie.” Clarke said. “For you, especially.”

 

\--

 

It was the first day of shooting. Her new assistant, Harper, was young, bright-eyed, and a little chirpy for Lexa’s taste. The girl learned fast. No doubt she’ll get cynical as the time goes by. So far, Lexa had no complaints.

Though, the coffee Harper brought had sugar in them. The coffee came from the craft service. That was a big no.

“Harper, I know this is your first day. I’m sure Anya had sent you a list of what I like and I don’t like. I really don’t like sugar in my coffee. Especially if the coffee comes from this place. I like it fresh. I want my coffee made from. Wait. I’ll write it down for you.” Lexa jotted down the name of the café on a small piece of paper and gave it to Harper. “I’m a simple person. It’s just a latte. Nothing fancy. As for the money, I know the owner. Just say my name. Now, go.”

Harper scurried away.

“Nightmare boss alert.”

“I’m a nice boss.”

“Sure, you are. Very nice. Costia must have thought so, too.”

“Shut up, Reyes. I tasted sugar –“

“In your coffee. Whatever, Lexa. Stop being so dramatic.”

“I guess you’ve heard from Anya.”

“I hear everything. It’s my job. Also, it’s my job to make sure everything is set in place and ready to go. Everything has to go smoothly, Lexa. Because if I hear about those damn lamps, again. I swear to God..”

“Don’t worry. Everything’s perfect.”

Lexa looked over at the set, again. The props looked real. They were real. She specifically asked for it. The bed piece was personally designed and made. The UPM had a real headache over it.

 

\--

 

The filming had started. It was going smoothly. The lighting was perfect. The area was cleared except for a few important people.

Until Finn fucked it up. And Harper was still nowhere to be found with her coffee.

Her patience was tested.

“Goddamn, it,” Lexa muttered under her breath. “Cut! Again!”

Finn held Clarke rather awkwardly. It ruined the atmosphere.

“Ok. Just stop. Stop. Everyone stop. Collins, have you never held a woman before?” Lexa asked Finn. She wasn’t expecting an answer. Finn scratched his head.

Lexa stepped into the set and told Finn to move away from Clarke.

“This is not a love scene. Both of you are not in love with each other. You think you are but it’s sex. **Lust. Desire.** I don’t see that with the way you’re holding her!”

She gritted her teeth and heard Raven snicker.

“Alright. Look. I’ll show you.” She looked to Clarke, who looked nervous. “May I?” She asked Clarke, gently. Clarke nodded and turned around. Her back against Lexa’s front.

Lexa placed her hands on Clarke’s waist. Then, she pulled the strings of the bathrobe open. She backed away an inch to let the bathrobe fall to Clarke’s feet.

“You can’t see her directly. But you want to feel her. Against you. Slowly. You want to tantalise her the way you tantalise your viewers.” Lexa said softly, but enough for everyone to hear it. “You hold her gently. But not too gentle. You’re hungry. You want to touch her all over. Both of you are excited.” Lexa left a small space between her and Clarke’s body.

Lexa’s hand hover over Clarke’s stomach, careful not to touch her. “And you kiss the space between her neck and shoulder here.” Her lips ghosted over Clarke’s skin. “Clarke’s head falls back into your shoulder.” Clarke did that. Lexa was a little surprised.

The actress was breathing hard. Her hot breath grazing Lexa’s ear. Lexa swallowed thickly and felt her insides stir. “Fuck,” Clarke said under her breath. No one could have heard it. No one. Except Lexa.

“Okay. Let’s do this, again. Collins, understood?” Lexa picked up the robe and helped Clarke wear it. She took large strides back to the director’s chair.

Finn nodded and sighed in relief.

“That was something,” Raven commented, rubbing her chin. Her eyes following Lexa.

“What?”

“Nothing.”

 

\--

 

It was week two of filming. In her trailer, Lexa took a little shut-eye on the bed. But it was interrupted by a knock.

“Who is it?” She groaned.

“It’s Clarke.”

“Come in.”

She sat up and massaged her temples.

“Hey.”

“Is there a problem?”

Lexa stared at her and noticed that she was still in the previous scenes’ clothes. She swallowed and restraint herself from touching the bare skin.

“Nope. I was just stopping by. Is it okay with you?” Clarke walked slowly towards her.

“Yeah. Of course. Why have you not changed?”

“It’s comfortable. You have a bed here.”

“Yeah, I asked for it.”

“Lucky.”

Lexa chuckled. It wasn’t the best bed, but it was good enough.

“You can take a nap here if you want.”

“Yeah?” Clarke’s eyes lit at Lexa’s suggestion. “Whenever?”

“Yeah.”

“You’re too nice to me.”

“We’re friends, aren’t we?”

“Is Collins your friend, too?”

Clarke grinned a little, unable to meet Lexa’s eyes. Lexa laughed.

“He’s okay.”

Clarke sat next to her. Their shoulders brushed. Lexa let herself fall back to the mattress. Clarke did the same and shifted her body to face Lexa.

Lexa felt Clarke’s piercing stares on her skin. They felt like burns. They felt like something she had yearned for years. She was more than gladly to let those blue eyes drown her. Consume her. With the way her chest felt tight, she almost believed she was underwater.

Sudden warmth spread throughout Lexa’s body. Her neck flushed with heat.

“What are you thinking about?” Clarke asked. Her voice barely above a whisper.

“You.” Without thought. Without a beat.

Lexa was doing this.

She really was.

Fuck.

Lexa sensed Clarke’s lips turned up at the corners. She wanted to kiss them.

“I have to go. I have somewhere to be.” She picked up her glasses and left the trailer without so much a glance back.

“Hey, Lexa. Wait up. Have you seen our lead actress?” Raven walked up to Lexa. Something caught her eyes. She looked over Lexa’s shoulder and watched Clarke leaving Lexa’s trailer. “Isn’t that your..”

“She’s somewhere here,” Lexa screamed silently. She was bracing herself. She pulled Raven into a corner and out of anyone’s earshot.

Raven put her hands on her hip like she had caught a child eating something they shouldn’t.

“You don’t say. Because.. I just saw her.. walking out of **your** trailer.”

“Raven, I can explain.”

“Explain what?” Raven was seething. She shook her head. “Fucking hell, Lexa.”

“We didn’t do ANYTHING. I swear to God. Jesus Christ. Holy Mary –“

“Alright. Stop with the biblical swearing. I believe you.”

“Nothing happened. We’re friends. It’s not illegal.”

“Of course, it’s not. But it does make things hairy when you do more than just ‘friends’ things.”

“Believe me, Raven. Nothing is going on. I stopped it before –“

“Ha! There is something. For once, tell it to me straight. Do you have feelings for this girl?”

“I-I-l..”

“You bloody idiot. You walking cliché of an idiot. You know that, right?”

Lexa sighed and gathered her thoughts quickly.

“I don’t have feelings. I stopped having them years ago.” Lexa’s voice grew solemn as she remembered something from the past. Raven kept quiet and let Lexa continue, “We’re adults and professionals. Who do you take me for, Raven? Trust me. Things will go as planned.” She grabbed Raven by the shoulders and smiled, reassuring her friend.

“It better be. I can’t have your brand of publicity. Not again.”

“What?”

“The executives want Collins and Griffin together.”

“A PR relationship.”

“Yes. Their publicists are on it, too. The press will talk about them.”

“And Clarke agreed to this?”

“I guess so. The contract is signed.”

“You’re okay with this?”

“I think it’s a great idea.”

Lexa didn’t feel good, suddenly.

 

\--

 

It was week six. Lexa had managed to avoid Clarke in personal settings. Except during breaks. Clarke would always come by to take a nap in her trailer. Sometimes, Lexa would wake up with Clarke’s arm across her body or loose arms around her waist.

It became too much. Especially when Clarke’s soft breathings were coming close to becoming one of Lexa’s favourite sounds. So, she had taken refuge at the craft services area.

She had seen more of the non-union crew and extras than in previous projects she had been involved with. She made small talk whenever she could.

But all she really wanted was peace and quiet. Harper made a special sign for that cause, letting everyone to not disturb the director.

 

\--

 

The first trailer for the movie was released, creating buzz on the internet. They still have some weeks of filming and the post-production.

“The studio wants to submit the movie to Cannes,” Raven said.

“No.”

Lexa was going through some trashy tabloids. She had Harper to bring them in.

“I told them the same thing. I told them that you would say no.”

“It’s a trilogy.”

“That is still up in the air.”

“Why?”

Lexa knew the answer. The studio was hungry for some international recognition. It was why she was hired in the first place.

“They’re doing it. With or without your approval. They own the rights.”

Lexa groaned and threw the tabloid into the bin.

“I’m not claiming responsibility when the critics start shitting on it.”

“When did you start reading this?”

Raven picked up The Sun.

“Today.”

“Since when do you care?”

“Never. I still don’t.”

“Really?” Raven didn’t believe her. She flipped a few pages in and stopped. “Up and coming actress Clarke Griffin is seen with her co-star Finn Collins…….” She read aloud, taunting the flustered looking director.

“Stop there, Reyes.”

“You do care.”

“I don’t care about this stuff.”

Lexa snatched the magazine out of Raven’s hands and hid it in her drawer.

“Not the story. Not the trashy magazines. You care about Clarke.”

Raven leaned back into the chair and crossed her legs. Looking smug.

“I care for all our actors.”

“Do you lend your personal driver to all your actors and actresses?”

“I-“

“Do you let Collins take a nap in your trailer?”

“Wait.”

“You always have a thing for blondes.”

Lexa sighed.

“She’s different.”

“How?”

“She’s special. I know it.”

Lexa felt it.

 

\--

 

They were into the last few weeks of shooting. It was raining, and the crew was waiting for it to end. Lexa walked into her trailer and saw Clarke sitting on the edge of the bed.

“Clarke? What are you doing here? You don’t have any scenes for today.” Lexa took her hat off. It was still damp from the rain.

“I was finishing up some interviews. I was on my way back and thought that I should visit. See how everyone’s doing.”

“I think Collin’s back at his trailer. That’s who you’re looking for, right? I know the plan.”

“You do?”

“Yeah. The executives are satisfied with the development. You’re doing a good job.”

Lexa looked away and leaned her hips against the counter.

“Yeah. I saw him already.”

“Okay.”

Lexa swallowed sourly. Her heart felt heavy. She crossed her arms, trying to contain the certain tightness in her chest. Still unable to meet Clarke’s gaze.

“I think Collins may have developed feelings for me.”

Clarke let out a light laugh.

“That’s interesting.”

“Too bad, though,” Clarke said, offhanded-like.

In the corner of Lexa’s eyes, she saw Clarke stood up and neared her.

Lexa didn’t dare to ask her why. Clarke faced her. The close proximity was making Lexa dizzy. The warmth coming from the actress was making Lexa feel all sorts of things.

“Look at me?” Clarke asked. Lexa complied quickly. Kind blue eyes - was what Lexa saw. Her breath hitched. She shivered as if the after effects of the cold rain had finally taken a toll her now. Seeing how Lexa was, Clarke inched closer. “You’re cold.”

“I am.”

“Can I hug you?”

“Yeah,” Lexa answered, breathless.

Warm arms circling Lexa’s waist. Clarke’s chin resting on Lexa’s shoulder. No space left between them. Lexa was calm. Her hands traveling up Clarke’s back and tried to hold her closer. The embrace felt good and right. It felt so right.

Lexa closed her eyes. Her heart beating loudly in her ears. She was convinced Clarke could hear it too.

“I was looking for you, actually.” Clarke murmured.

_That_ made Lexa’s heart skip a beat.

What a juvenile thing to still have _that_ happening, Lexa thought.

 

\--

 

It was a Christmas party. It wasn’t Christmas yet. But a party, nonetheless. What for? Lexa did not know. She knew it was important for the studio and some other important people.

Anya was here, much to her surprise.

“What’s your business here?” Lexa

“Scouting new talent.”

“Business as usual, huh?”

“No. Darling, I was invited. I’m important, too.” Anya gave a wry chuckle. Lexa never got Anya’s sense of humor. Maybe that’s why she loved her. “I saw that actress of yours. I spoke to her.”

“Go on..”

“She’s pretty.”

“Yeah..?”

“Pretty eloquent as well.”

“Ok.”

“And blonde.”

“What does the hair colour got to do with anything?”

“With you.”

“What did Raven say, now?”

Lexa drank her champagne and grimaced at the taste.

“Oh, Raven didn’t say anything. Miss Clarke did.”

The champagne almost slipped out of Lexa’s mouth. She wiped the corner of her mouth with her finger. Anya shook her head at her friend’s lack of elegance.

“She what?”

“Once I’ve told her that the director is a very close friend of mine, she could not stop talking about you.”

“What did she say?”

“Lots of praises and compliments. How you are very helpful and direct. Because of your guidance, she said, and I quote, “Lexa elevates my performances like no other director.”.”

“Right. An actress who is very appreciative of her boss. What is new?”

Lexa tried to be nonchalance about it as best as she could. Anya saw through her. She let out a somewhat graceful open-mouthed kind of laugh.

“Darling, no. The girl caught herself for saying more than she should. You should have seen her face. How adorable. Her cheeks were blushed with the colour of red roses.”

Lexa kept silent, sensing Anya had more to say.

The woman did, and so she continued. “Miss Clarke talked how she loved – I kid you not – she used the word ‘Love’ about five times in the span of two minutes. Anyway, back to the point, the young girl loves you.”

“She said that?” Lexa’s eyes widened a little.

“Not along those words exactly. I think she does loves you. Star-struck way? Perhaps. Admiring one’s work? Yes. As a person? Definitely. One hundred percent. She is smitten by you. Swept away by your “gorgeous and glorious” self.”

“You’re loving this, aren’t you?” Lexa grunted.

“Pardon, my French. Abso-fucking-lutely.” Anya took a glass of champagne from the serving waiter and drank it till finished. She shoved the glass back to the hands of whoever was in front of them. She licked her lips and put on her best shit-eating smile. 

“Shut up.”

“Poor girl. What did you do to her?”

“Nothing at all.”

“Well, that façade of hers with that boy named Finn Collins will no longer be believable if she keeps on talking about you that way. I almost believed the rumors. Can you believe that? To be wrong.” Anya clicked her tongue as if offended by that notion.

“The rumors could be true.”

Lexa’s eyes landed on Clarke, who was across the room, laughing at something Finn had said. Clarke grabbed Collin’s arm subconsciously. There were other people surrounding them. They, too, were laughing.

Her throat felt tight. Anya’s gaze followed Lexa’s.

“Collins has nothing on you, my dear Lexie.” She whispered into Lexa’s ear before moving away and charm impressionable people into telling their secrets to her.

 

\--

 

Lexa mingled with other directors briefly. When they became too obnoxious, Lexa backed away from the conversation about “existentialism in film”.

She froze when something or someone held her by the elbow. The touch was gone, and Lexa was faced with Costia.

“Fancy seeing you here, Lexa.”

Costia looked beautiful. She wore a fitted gold gown. Her right wrist adorned with the watch Lexa had bought for her birthday. She looked bolder and confident.

“You still have that watch.”

“It’s a good watch.”

“How are you?”

Lexa was unsure about this unexpected greeting.

“Relax, Lexa. You look a little tense. I’m fine. Thank you for asking.”

“It’s good to hear that. Your work – are they treating you all right?”

“I’m the producer’s assistant, now. We’re currently filming a TV pilot.”

“Sounds exciting. I’m happy for you.”

“I feel the same.” Costia gave Lexa a small smile. “Thank you for the opportunity.”

“Oh, it’s nothing. It was all you. You’ve earned it.”

Costia was quiet for a few seconds.

“I know it has been weeks since we last saw each other. I’m sorry for the outburst. I was –“

“No. I’m sorry.” Lexa reached her hand out to hold Costia’s. “It was stupid of me to bring that out right after we –“

Costia let out a soft chuckle. Lexa let her hand go.

“I don’t regret _that_. I don’t regret all the times we did.” Costia smiled slyly before continuing. “I’m just here to apologise for the lack of professionalism. That is all.”

“Apology accepted. I’m sorry, too.”

“You’re forgiven. Are we good?”

“Of course, Costia.”

“Also, about you not being a good person. I was wrong and hurtful at that time. You are a good person. It’s why I like working for you.”

“Costia,” Lexa spoke of her name adoringly.

“Actually, it’s not the only reason why I like working for you.”

Costia walked around her and stopped midway. Their shoulders almost touching. She looked to her right side and leaned closely into Lexa’s ear.

“Cos-“

“Working under you. On top of you. Working you out. I’ve enjoyed them. And I still want to.” Costia’s lips brushed against Lexa’s earlobe. “So, give me a call if you ever want to de-stress.” Costia’s lips moved to kiss Lexa on the cheek, leaving a lipstick stain. “Oh. Before I go, mind you, time’s limited. The open offer only lasts until I get my Emmy or Oscar first.”

Then, Costia walked away with her signature laugh hung in the air and ringing in Lexa’s ears.

Lexa stalled and caught Clarke staring at her. Clarke darted her gaze back to Finn. She saw Clarke and Finn linked arms. They went away. It was the last time Lexa saw her for the night.

Several minutes later, Lexa found Costia in the lobby.

“I’ll take up that offer of yours. Now?”

Costia looked a little startled by the sudden interaction. She smiled.

“Now.”

Lexa fitted her hand with Costia’s and tried to recreate the effect she had when she touched Clarke. Alas, it never came.


	5. five

Lexa stared at the cactus by the windowsill. She had never been in Costia’s apartment before. She just realized she had never brought her home.

She sat quietly on the edge of the bed. The sheets laid loosely around her waist. One leg folded under her.

“Can’t sleep?” Costia asked sleepily.

“No.”

“Thinking about her?”

Lexa looked over her shoulder briefly before returning her gaze back to the spiky small plant. She let out a soft sigh. She felt the bed dipped. Costia sat up and slid her hand up and down Lexa’s spine.

“Is it obvious?”

“I’m pretty sure I’m not the reason for what’s keeping you awake.” Costia kissed her shoulder lightly. “Though, I wished I was the one.” She whispered.

Lexa’s heart clenched a little. Suddenly, she felt sorry and ashamed of herself.

“I’m sorry.”

She turned her head to look at Costia. The latter moved close till her breasts were touching Lexa’s skin. Lexa kissed her, slowly.

 “I saw the way you looked at her. You looked at her how I wanted you to look at me.”

“I’m sorry.”

Lexa kissed her, again.

“You know; she does the same with you. She likes -”

Lexa cut her off with another kiss. With every passing second, she kissed her harder. Costia let out a small yelp when Lexa bit her lower lip but was quickly silenced with Lexa’s lips. Lexa ripped the sheets off them and pinned Costia down. She hovered over her. Her eyes searched for consent in Costia’s eyes, and she found them. She kissed her. And kissed her.

Kissing her all over with every apology left in her body. Knowing that this will be the last time.

 

\--

 

“End scene. It’s a wrap. Great job, everyone.”

Lexa stood up from her chair and clapped. Everyone else cheered. It was finally over. She almost had the chance to disappear from the crowd. But Clarke approached her.

“Great work, Clarke.”

“You, too.”

Clarke’s scenes had finished earlier. Her makeup was taken off. An oversized thick jacket hung on Clarke’s shoulders. She looked small in it. It made Lexa smile, subconsciously.

“I want _you_ to hug me properly.”

Lexa’s smile faded a little. She took a glance around. Everyone was busy with everybody else.

“Okay.”

Lexa’s arms slipped around Clarke’s waist and under the jacket. Their hips attached. The jacket fell off. She felt exposed, ready to back away. But Clarke pulled her closer.

“Thank you for everything, Lexa.” Her mouth an inch away from touching Lexa’s neck.

“It’s my pleasure, Clarke.”

Lexa’s pulse quickened. Her hands started to sweat. She steadied herself by breathing in and out through her mouth.

“Can we take a nap together? I rather not hug anyone else right now.”

What are friends for, right?

 

\--

 

Indra – her adoptive aunt. The only aunt Lexa had. She loved her dearly. She was on the phone with her. It was a routine of theirs. To call each other once in every month.

“I’m sorry, Indra. I’ve been busy with work. I promise I’ll visit early next year. Soon. Yes, I promise. –Lincoln? What about him? - No, I haven’t seen him. Yes, he still tries to get me on his exercise regime. – No, Indra. I rather not. I tried one of the shake recipes he keeps emailing me about. I was sick the next day. –  You’ve met his girlfriend? Really? – The filming’s over. We still have a lot of to do. – I’ll let Raven know you’ve said hello. – Merry Christmas to you, too.”

Lexa spent Christmas alone. She never minded it. Indra’s voice was enough. It was home. Lexa felt less lonely after the call. Into the night, she worked on writing a screenplay. It had been a while since she last wrote and directed a film. No one knew about it. The piece wasn’t ready. Most of all, she wasn’t ready to share it with the world.

 

\--

 

Two days before New Year’s, Lincoln dragged Lexa out for a run at the park.

Lexa despised running. She hated Lincoln for it. She was out of a breath after 2 kilometers. Tears of sweat running down her temples.

“Stop. Lincoln. I. Hate. You.”

She bent forward. Her hands leaned on her kneecaps for support. She straightened up and saw Lincoln didn’t break a sweat, yet. He was, after all, a fitness instructor with four DVDs to his name.

“Come on. We still have a lot more to go.”

“I can’t. You’re killing me.”

“I told you. You should join me with the new training I’ve set up.”

“I still have muscles on my stomach and arms. I think I’m okay.”

Lincoln scoffed. “That puzzles me, still. Regardless, you’re out of breath and out of shape.”

“Why are you doing this to me?”

“Because you’re my baby cousin.”

“You’re literally a month older than me.”

“It makes you the baby cousin.”

“Stop calling me that. We’re adults.”

“Fine. We’ll take a break.”

They found the nearest bench. Lexa sighed in relief. She made sure Lincoln heard it. Lincoln just shook his head.

“I want you to be my best man. Or woman.” Lincoln said simply.

“You’re getting married? I wasn’t aware you were engaged already.”

Lexa leaned forward and turned her body slightly to get a better look at Lincoln.

“I haven’t pop the question. Yet.” Lincoln was smiling.

“Who is she? How long have you been dating?”

“Have you not been listening to me whenever we meet up for drinks?”

“Just answer me.”

“It has been a year and a half.”

“Damn.”

“Damn, right. You are a terrible listener.”

“How do you know she would say yes? For all we know, she could slap a big “No” across your bald head.”

Lexa pressed her palm against Lincoln’s forehead and gave a light shove. She mouthed a “No”. She was grinning. Lincoln grabbed her wrist.

“I have a good feeling about her. Come on, I’ll tell you all about her.”

He pulled Lexa to her feet. They continued their run.

Lexa found out Lincoln was dating a woman named Octavia. The same Octavia, who she met months ago.

What a small world.

While she was ‘running’, she thought about Clarke Griffin.

 

\--

 

The incessant ringing brought Lexa out of her sleep. She woke up with a paper still stuck to her cheek. She fell asleep on her desk.

“Ugh.” She crunched the paper into a ball and threw it over her shoulder. She answered the call. Her eyes still closed. “Yes?”

“Lexa, it’s me. Did I wake you up?” This was unexpected.

Lexa sat up straight and opened her eyes. The light from the desk lamp blinded her for a moment.

“Hey. What time is it?”

“About 30 minutes to new year’s.”

“I must have fallen asleep when I was working on something.”

“Oh, I was looking for you. _They_ told me that you were coming.”

“Shit.”

The party completely slipped her mind. Not that she regretted it. She heard Clarke laughed.

“Are you at the office?” A slight concern in Clarke’s tone.

“No. I’m at home.”

Lexa looked at the mess she created on the table. There were papers everywhere. Spilled ink. Fallen pens.

“You’re alone?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m coming over.”

“It’s fine, Clarke. I can manage on my own. You should have your fun.”

Lexa thought about the possibility of Finn being there with Clarke. It made her feel bitter.

“I want to.” Clarke paused. “I want to be there with you.”

 “Ok.”

“Wait for me.”

 

\--

 

Lexa fell asleep, again. About 25 minutes later, as if something was calling her, she woke up with a jolt. Her neck was strained by the position she was in.

She remembered Clarke and wondered where she was. Disappointment filled her. She guessed the young girl wasn’t coming after all. She watered her plant by the door.

Someone knocked on her door. Two knocks.

She opened the door. Clarke, still in her party clothes, looked up and met Lexa’s gaze.

“Hey,” Lexa said, but the greeting was buried under the sound of fireworks popping outside of her apartment.

Clarke stepped into Lexa’s space. She pulled Lexa by the nape and kissed her. Clarke’s lips were gentle against Lexa’s. They were stepping into uncharted territory. The kiss was slow but encouraging.

Then, they parted. Clarke’s hands still placed at the back of Lexa’s neck. Her breath hot against Lexa’s mouth.

“Happy New Year,” Clarke said.

Lexa’s heart was beating crazily. If it beat any faster, her chest would crack, she thought. Her head was hazy with the smell of Clarke’s perfume. With images of Clarke’s blue eyes. With anything, that was of Clarke’s.

Her senses were still tingling from the kiss.

Clarke let go of Lexa. Her hand rested on Lexa’s chest.

“Calm down, Lexa.” The look on Clarke’s face said otherwise. She looked satisfied and giddy.

All of Lexa’s reservations were gone. She wanted to touch Clarke, run her fingers through Clarke’s golden locks, and kiss her.

“Did you kiss me because it’s a new year? Or –“ Lexa wanted to make sure.

Clarke cut her off with another kiss. Lexa moved backward, clumsily. Clarke kicked the door closed with her foot. Returning the favour, Lexa pushed Clarke against the door. She heard a soft grunt.

When they parted for a moment, Clarke’s chuckle danced across Lexa’s moist lips.

“Does that answer your question?”

“Yeah.”

“For a smart director, you’re pretty clueless.”

“About?”

“All those months. The time we spent together. I wanted you. I dropped hints whenever I can.”

“Did you?” Lexa teased her. “I didn’t want to assume.”

“I still want you. More so than before.” Clarke admitted in a whisper. “I can’t get you out of my head. I don’t think I ever want to.” Her thumb grazing along Lexa’s lower lip.

Such simple words.

 

\--

 

Lexa looked over her shoulder and saw Clarke was still asleep. Sheets wrapped around Clarke’s lower back. Lexa wanted to go back to bed, but Raven was calling her.

“Good morning, Raven.”

“Is there something wrong with you?”

“What do you mean?”

“You never say ‘good’ alongside ‘morning.’ Whatever. I just want to make sure you remember our plans this weekend.”

“Yeah, of course. Raven, I’ll be there.”

“I’m just worried, that’s all.” Raven’s voice went soft.

“You’ll be fine. I will be there with you.”

“You better be.”

Clarke’s eyes fluttered open. She sat up. “Lexa, who are you talking to?” She asked. Drowsiness still evident in her voice.

“It’s Raven. I’ll join you in a sec’.” Clarke lied back and threw the duvet off her. Lexa turned around and swallowed thickly at the naked sight of her.

“Who’s that?” Raven asked. Her voice loud enough for everyone in the room to hear. Clarke giggled. “Nevermind.”

“I gotta go, Raven.” Lexa watched Clarke parting her legs for her.

“Lexa, I know who it is,” Raven said. Lexa kept silent. “Don’t fuck this up.”

 

\--

 

“Urgh. This shitty gown. I hate hospitals.”

“Get back into your bed, Raven. The doctor’s going to be here soon.”

Raven was getting her lower left leg amputated. It was a decision she discussed closely and discreetly with Lexa for months. The pain came and go during work. It became a hassle.

“I just want it off. It hurts. It fucking hurts.”

Raven huffed and crossed her arms like a sullen child. She lied back on the stiff bed. Lexa planted a kiss on her forehead.

“It’s going to be fine. You’ve always been a wonder woman, Raven.”

“I want whatever you’re on. Is it Vicodin?”

Lexa rolled her eyes. “Just relax.”

“God, you’re sick with the love bug. It’s disgusting. Get that infectious happiness of yours out of here.”

“You love me.”

Lexa propped herself up on the bed and lied next to Raven. She cuddled her.

“Jesus, you’re touchy.”

Regardless, Raven found comfort in their embrace. The physical pain she felt faded a little.

“Shut up, Raven.”

Raven was silent for a moment. “Thank you, Lexa.”

“Shhh.”

 

\--

 

“This is as far as you can go, miss.” The surgeon told Lexa. She was beside Raven, who looked stoic as ever. Raven’s hands clasped together on her stomach.

“I’ll be here,” Lexa said.

“Get outta here, Lex.” It was Raven’s special brand of affection.

Something in Raven’s eyes made Lexa stall for a moment. The woman was afraid, and Lexa saw it.

“Okay, Raven. I’ll see you.”

“Wait.” Raven gripped Lexa’s wrist. Her voice layered with uncertainty. Lexa held her hand in assurance. No verbal words were exchanged.

“You’ll be fine, Raven.” Lexa pressed her lips on Raven’s forehead for a few seconds. Raven nodded at Lexa in silence.

The surgeon gestured Lexa to move away, and she complied. She watched her good friend disappear into another room.

 

\--

 

“Still asleep?” Anya poked her head in. She brought flowers.

Lexa nodded and put away the newspaper she was reading.

“Yeah. The new drugs must have knocked her out of the park.”

“She looks peaceful. How un-Raven like.” Lexa took the flowers from Anya and placed it by the window. “Why didn’t I know about this?”

“She didn’t want anybody to know.” Lexa just shrugged. “Now, you know.”

“It’s because you called me.”

“You know how Raven is like.”

“Did you call anybody else?”

Lexa thought about Octavia.

“No. Not yet, at least.”

“I’ll wait here.” Anya sat where Lexa was. “Go get dinner. You must be hungry.”

 

\--

 

When Lexa called, Octavia was with Clarke. Once she had let Octavia know Raven was in the hospital, she dialled Clarke’s number.

“Hey.”

“Hi to you too.”

“I guess you’ve heard.”

“Yeah.”

Lexa sensed Clarke wanted to say something more.

“Do you want to come over and eat horrible hospital food with me?”

Clarke’s laughed. Lexa’s favourite sound in the world.

 

\--

 

“… she always seemed she’s on the go. She knows where’s she going and what she wants. I never thought she had any problem.” Clarke picked at the oily fries with her fork.

“That’s Raven for you.”

“You two must be close.” Clarke lifted her gaze to meet Lexa’s.

“We are. My first movie was because of her.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. I was working two jobs at that time. An intern that paid nothing. The other…. I don’t wanna say.”

“ _Now_ , you have to tell me.”

“I worked at a bakery.”

“No way.” Clarke was amazed. She was smiling widely, and it made Lexa’s heart flutter.

“Yeah.”

“So, you can bake and stuff?”

Lexa nodded. A sheepish smile on her lips.

“Yeap.”

“You should bake for me, one day.”

“I will. I can even show you the place where I worked before.”

“I’m looking forward to it.”

“It’s a date.” Lexa’s hand reached across the table to hold Clarke’s. Her thumb rubbing at her skin.

“Is this a date?”

Lexa laughed.

“God, no. I think the hash brown is from yesterday’s menu.”

Clarke’s hand turned in Lexa’s hold. Her palm facing up. Lexa’s fingers lightly tracing along Clarke’s open palm, subconsciously.

“I don’t mind. I think anywhere is fine. As long as it’s with you.”

Silence hung between them for a minute. It was comfortable. Just sitting there, under the white luminescent lights.

“Clarke?”

“Yeah?”

“How long is it? The contract of yours.”

Lexa didn’t specify what contract, but Clarke knew what she was asking about.

“It expired starting this year. But I still need to keep up the appearances until the festival’s over.”

“Oh.”

Clarke brought Lexa’s hand to her lips and kissed her knuckles. There were few other visitors at the cafeteria. But no one saw and realised they were in the presence of a director and an actress sharing a moment of intimacy.

Over Clarke’s shoulder, Lexa saw Octavia walking towards them.

“Clarke.” Octavia’s tone tinged with surprise. Her expression remained unreadable. She turned towards Lexa. “Raven’s awake.”

Clarke let Lexa’s hand go and hid her own hands under the table.

“Okay. Thanks for letting me know.”

“How’s the coffee here?”

“The only edible thing here.”

Octavia smiled a little at Lexa’s joke. Lexa got up and grabbed Clarke’s hand. Their fingers intertwined with each other. Clarke was unusually quiet and shy. Her cheeks flushed with the colour of light pink.

Octavia said nothing of their physical contact. She just nodded an acknowledgment at Clarke. The two left cafeteria to visit Raven.

 

\--

 

Clarke was outside of the room, as she thought it would be inappropriate to join Lexa.

Lexa leaned her weight against the doorway.

“I hope you’re not mad at me for telling them.”

Anya and Raven stopped talking and turned their heads at Lexa.

“I’m not, actually. I’m.. relieved.”

“Glad to hear.”

“Where were you?”

“I was in the cafeteria.”

“I see you brought company.” Anya joined in the conversation. She was looking outside of the window. Clarke was by the window and typing something on her phone.

Raven smirked at her.

“Can you believe it, Anya?”

“Our Lexie is whipped? What’s new?”

Lexa just gave them the eye roll.

“I think it’s different this time. It’s something else..” Raven’s voice tapered towards the end. She looked at Lexa. A message of support, Lexa guessed. Anya was still warming up to the idea. “I think our dear Lexie is changing.”

“How so?”

“She said ‘good morning’ the other day.”

“My, oh, my.”

“You should have seen her before I had surgery. She kissed me twice on the forehead.”

“You two are horrible people. I hope you two know that.” Lexa just shook her head. “Serious talk. How are you feeling, Raven?”

“Sort of weird seeing _it_ gone. The pain’s no longer there. But it’s like I’m missing something. I know it’s the leg but it’s something else. Like I missed the pain, somehow. Other than that, I’m fine.”

“The doctor talked to me about the physical therapy you’ll be having.”

Raven groaned loudly.

“Save that conversation for tomorrow. I’m already remembering about bazillion things I have to do. And the post-production! Where’s my phone, Anya? I need to call my assistant.”

“You should rest, darling,” Anya said.

“Yeah. We can talk about that tomorrow.”

“Don’t baby me, Lexa. You should go home with your secret _lover_. You’ve been here all day. I already have a ‘mother’ with me.”

Anya clicked her tongue.

“I’m not that old,” Anya argued.

“Yeah. Yeah.” Raven waved Anya off in dismissal.

Lexa smiled quietly.

“I’ll see you tomorrow. Get some rest.”

She left the room and found Clarke leaning against the wall.

“Clarke.”

“We’re going?”

“Yeah.”

Just like that, their hands interlaced with each other.

 

-

 

Lexa threw the keys onto the nearby table and shut the door. She was already smiling when she came in, knowing Clarke was home. She took her coat off and hung them next Clarke’s in the closet.

“What are you drawing?”

“Something mundane. The fans love it when I post a picture of my drawings.” Clarke’s lips pursing together in concentration. She was sitting on the couch, her legs folded under her.

“I’m sure it’s beautiful.”

“How’s Raven?” Clarke looked up from her sketchbook. Lexa bent down to kiss her on the cheeks.

“The therapy is going well by Raven’s standards. If there are curse words, you know she’s progressing fast.”

She grabbed a bottled orange juice from the refrigerator.

“Can you get me a cup of water?” Clarke called out.

“Sure.” Lexa poured water into the glass. She had forgotten about her own drink.

“I saw your assistant, Harper, today.”

“Oh?”

“She was getting you groceries. She had your keys.”

“It was my ex-manager's idea.”

“Do you think she knows about us?” Clarke closed her sketchbook and made room for Lexa on the couch. “She didn’t seem surprised when she walked in.”

“Maybe. Does it matter?”

“No.”

Lexa’s forehead wrinkled.

“Does it make you uncomfortable that people know?”

Clarke’s eyes were filled with a moment of confusion.

“What? No. I don’t want to make your life harder.”

“Harder? Not at all. Besides, I don’t care if people talk about me. I care if it affects _your_ life.”

“Okay.”

“Hey. Listen to me. You’re not an inconvenience to me. You will never be. Also, I like you.”

“I like you too, Lexa.”

Lexa kissed her. Few seconds later, kissing became something more.

 

\--

 

It was that time of the year. Bright lights, vulture-like eyes, and hands eager to write criticisms. Men with too much cologne. Women with lipsticks the colour of their blood.

How Lexa loathed this kind of festivals. There was a reason why she never returned to these events. Until now.

Raven had made sure Lexa got on a plane to France.

Her exact words were, “If I hear so much a blip that you are still here the next day, I will kick you with my metal prosthetic foot.”

The only reason why Lexa was slightly looking forward to this year’s film festival was because of Clarke Griffin.

The actors and actresses flew in earlier. Something to do with interviews, photo shoots, and dress ups.

She attended as many interviews as she could, and cut them short whenever she found the opportunity to do so. Interviews with Clarke were the only ones she found entertaining. Collins was there as well.

Lexa tolerated their coordinated touching and linking arms. Except the times when Collins seemed to be enjoying their little fake interactions too much.

Harper was there to distract her whenever Lexa almost wanted to step in. Clarke would notice this about Lexa, and she’ll look at her. Her blue eyes telling her something across space between them. Lexa didn’t know what. But it made her heart settle calmly.

Lexa didn’t care to know what the critics said about her film. All she cared about was Clarke. Then, she remembered that it wasn’t Collin’s room Clarke would be returning at the end of the night. It was Lexa’s.

 

\--

 

“What do you think of Cannes, Harper?”

Lexa was getting her makeup done by an artist. The latter held her by the chin, disallowing any more movements.

“It’s beautiful.”

“Are you enjoying it?”

“Yeah.”

“What do you say after all this is done, you can spend another week here. All expenses paid.”

Lexa could see the girl’s reflection in the mirror. Harper was beaming.

“Thank you.”

“Not a problem. You’ve worked hard.” The makeup was done. It was the last day. She wanted to look her best. She donned a suit. A white blouse underneath. The middle parted, baring her skin down to her navel. “How do I look, Harper?” She stood up and looked at herself in the mirror.

“Like the world’s hottest director.”

The makeup artist agreed. Lexa just laughed. She turned around to let the artist apply moisturiser on her body. Her skin shone.

 

\--

 

The photographers called for Lexa and Clarke to pose together for a picture. Snap after snap. Too many smiles. It made Lexa’s cheeks strain.

“You look beautiful as usual,” Lexa said. She had her hand around Clarke’s waist.

“So are you.” Clarke murmured. She leaned forward to whisper into her ears. Lexa could hear ten snaps going at once right now. “I wish I could touch you. You look fuckable.”

“Behave and smile, Clarke.”

Lexa swallowed nervously. After that, she was ushered off with Clarke down the red carpet by someone.

 

\--

 

Lexa was relieved to hear Clarke’s performances were viewed positively, although she was still clueless on the critics' general reaction towards the film as a whole.

They were at a press conference. Lexa wanted more than nothing to escape this hell. There were the usual questions about Lexa’s direction, about the actors and actresses, and the general story of the movie.

One question caught Lexa’s attention.

“What do you think of Clarke as an up and coming actress?” A man with framed glasses asked.

“I think the world is ready to see more of her.”

“Another question.”

“Go ahead.”

“Your long awaited return to the ‘scene’ has made people wonder about your upcoming projects. Your personal projects.”

“Is there a question in this?”

“Will we see your contemporary works in the future? If so, is the reason behind it due to the actress, Clarke Griffin? Will we see more of her in your future films? Is she your new muse?”

“I will only answer one question. Your first question. Yes. You will. When? I don’t know.”

Lexa looked to the moderator, who quickly ushered the journalist back to where he was. The conference was over. Lexa sighed in relief.

Whatever the man’s intention was, he succeeded at one thing; making people talk and whisper.

 

\--

 

Clarke won the award for ‘Best Actress’. Lexa could only admire from afar. There were people who congratulated on the film. Then, there were people who offered their criticisms. She listened with intent. She distracted herself by mingling with other directors and actresses she knew. She worked hard to not think about Clarke. She needed to not be near Clarke. To keep her away from prying eyes and eavesdroppers.

It was hard. To be this far away from the woman she was falling in love with.

She excused herself from the crowd and slipped out before anyone catches her for another mundane conversation.

 

\--

 

Lexa was punched by an unhappy colleague. She thought it was funny, as she walked back to her hotel room. She was holding an ice pack (a concern kitchen helper gave her one) to her eye. She winced at the coldness.

She unlocked the door, walked in, and then paused at her tracks. She recognised _that_ perfume. It was Clarke’s perfume.

“What the hell happened?”

“Hey to you too.” Lexa was smiling already. The pain around her eye was gone. Clarke grabbed the ice pack and set it aside. Her fingers touched lightly at the bruised area. Lexa hissed. “I met someone from the past. Long story short, I slept with her ex… It’s not that bad. She was drunk. Her punch was sloppy.” Lexa giggled.

“It’s not funny. You got hurt.”

Clarke frowned at her. Lexa wanted to kiss all the little wrinkles away on Clarke’s forehead.

“I’m fine, Clarke. It’ll heal. A little concealer would make it look right.” Lexa walked around Clarke and sat on the bed.

“That’s the problem, isn’t it? It just _looks_ right. Doesn’t mean it is.”

Clarke’s use of tone piqued Lexa’s curiosity.

“Is there something wrong?”

“You ignored me the whole night.”

“I wasn’t-“

“Let me finish. I’m a grown up, Lexa. I can handle the rumours. Most of all, I don’t care about them. I never have. You ignoring me doesn’t help the both of us. It hurts me. And it hurts you.”

“Clarke-“

“Still not finished. We? We are right. What we feel is right. What we have is right. Don’t we deserve to explore more of that?”

“We do,” Lexa whispered in response. “We’ve only been apart for a night.”

“I know!” Clarke cried in frustration. She let out a deep sigh. “And it’s killing me. To not have you here with me, and knowing that you are doing it on purpose.”

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s killing me. Because –” Clarke swallowed thickly. Lexa searched the answers in Clarke’s eyes. She found none. “Because I’m in love with you.”


	6. epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this got domestic real quick. and fluff.

**Epilogue**

 

Dust of sugar danced around them.

“Are you sure it’s fine that we’re here?” Clarke asked Lexa again. They were at the back of the bakery. Two workers delivering bags of sugars and flours. They seemed disinterested by their presence.

“Yeah.”

Lexa gently squeezed Clarke’s hand and tugged her along.

“Is Gus here?”

One of the helpers nodded his head at the red door. The two men were done, packed their things, got into their truck, and drove away.

“Lexa.”

“Yeah?”

Clarke pulled Lexa by the coat and kissed her. She hummed against her lips.

“You’re sweet.”

“That’s the sugar talking.”

“Perhaps. The sugary air is making me hungry.” Clarke rubbed Lexa’s arm. She looked at her. Her blue eyes were a shade darker.

Lexa parted her mouth to say something, but nothing came out. She was perplexed and turned on at the same time.

“Clarke. We can’t. Not right now.”

“No one’s here.”

“You’re right. But –”

Clarke kissed Lexa’s sugar-dusted lips.

“I love you.”

“I love you.”

Clarke’s lips quirked at the corners. Lexa kissed them; one on the right and the left. Their little ‘thing’.

 “Lexa, is that you?” A man appeared in the doorway. He looked confused for a moment.

“Gustus.”

Lexa turned to Gustus and smiled at him. The man had aged like fine wine. His beard matched the colour of flour and sugar mixed together.

“It must be cold. Come in, you two. Who’s the beautiful woman?” Gustus ushered them in.

“I’m Clarke.” Clarke and Lexa were met with warmth and the satisfying scent of newly made bread.

Gustus’s lack of recognition of Clarke’s status as an actress was a breath of fresh air to the both of them.

“I’m Gustus. Nice to meet you, Miss Clarke.” Gustus grabbed and kissed the back of Clarke’s hand. Clarke smiled in return. “Lexa is very lucky to have you.”

“Gus, you’re making my girlfriend blush.”

Gustus let go of Clarke’s hand and put on his apron.

“I’ve never met Lexa’s past girlfriends. She never brings them. But I’m sure you’re the most beautiful.”

“Gustus.”

Clarke just giggled.

“Have you two eaten? I’ve baked a new batch of cookies recently. While we eat, I can tell Clarke all about young Lexa.”

“When Lexa was still at college?” Clarke looked enthused by the suggestion.

“Yes. After that, I want to hear all about you and how you’ve been, Lexa. Then, I want to know how you two met, Clarke. Deal?”

“Deal.”

Lexa just groaned. Despite the coming embarrassment, she smiled warmly at their growing bond.

 

\--

 

“I don’t know about you, Lex. But I’m stuffed.”

“Never eating bread for another six months.”

Clarke rolled down the window and felt the breeze coming in. Lexa glanced at Clarke briefly. Clarke’s hair flowing with the wind.

Lexa’s heart grew. Affection filled her chest. She was never more in love than she was at this moment.

Her gaze returned to the road. Her grip on the wheel tightened. Then, she sensed Clarke’s eyes were on her. She smiled, subconsciously. She heard Clarke sigh.

“I love you,” Clarke said.

Just like, Lexa’s heart skipped a beat.

“I love you too.”

Lexa’s right hand caressed Clarke’s thigh.

“Can I tell you something?”

“Hmmm.”

“I lied about why I couldn’t come to the first audition. I was nervous and afraid.”

“About?”

“You, actually. I heard how people would fall for you and do anything for you. And how you were intimidating. I didn’t believe it, at first. But I let my friends get to me. With the added pressure to perform, I couldn’t go. I was afraid that I would be the same.”

“You didn’t come because you were afraid that you were going to be in love with me?”

Lexa let out a soft laugh. She was at a disbelief.

“It’s a ridiculous reason, I know. I googled you. You’re so beautiful, Lexa. You don’t even know it.”

“I wasn’t present at the first auditions.”

“You were there at the second one.”

“I personally arranged it for you. Sure, there was the other actress. It was too late when I realised that it was a waste. I had already chosen you from the beginning.”

"I did fall in love with you. Jokes on me."

They were silent after that. Clarke played with Lexa’s fingers.

“I wish I could kiss you right now, Lexa.”

Lexa looked at Clarke again. She wanted to kiss her, too. And so, she did.

She drove the car to the side and pulled the handbrake. Cars passed them by. Blurred streaks of white and red light behind Clarke.

“Why did we stop?”

“Kiss me.”

 

\--

 

Lexa skipped the movie premiere. She was prepared to get an earful from Raven in the coming day.

“Are you sure you don’t want to go, Lexa?” Clarke asked again. She was disappointed by the fact Lexa was not joining her.

“I’m tired, Clarke. I just want to curl up on the couch and write.”

Clarke sighed.

“I’ll see you soon. I’m not staying for the movie.”

“You know.. they’ll talk about why their actress and director were missing on the same night.”

“Let them.”

 

\--

 

Lexa waited for Clarke to come home to her. Two hours had passed. She was drinking red wine when she heard the door lock turned. Clarke walked in and took off her coat. She looked beautiful.

Clarke was beautiful. Lexa will never get tired looking at her.

Lexa gave her wine to Clarke. The latter took a sip and joined Lexa on the couch. She put away the glass and took off her stockings.

There was a hint of elegance to everything Clarke did. Lexa loved that about her. Clarke could be doing the most mundane thing in the world, Lexa would still admire her.

“It’s finally over,” Clarke said. She closed her eyes for a moment, relishing in the fact that her responsibilities were done for the night.

“It is.”

Not quite. There was a talk about Lexa’s contract for the next movie. But that was a topic for another day.

“We can go anywhere.”

“Yes, we can.”

“We can do anything now. Be anything.” Clarke lifted her legs onto the couch. “Together.”

“What do you want to be?” Clarke straddled Lexa’s hips. Her arms wrapped around Lexa’s neck.

“To be yours.”

 

\--

 

News of them being together travelled fast. Clarke’s twitter followers increased quickly. Lexa didn’t use any of the social medias. However, people started to know where Lexa lived.

Lexa sold her apartment. On the day she signed away her old home, she asked Clarke to move in with her.

“Move in with you with what house?” Clarke laughed quietly into Lexa’s shoulder. She was still hugging her.

“You’ll see.”

Lexa had found a bigger one in an area, where it was more secluded.

On the day of the move in, their personal driver, Nyko, helped them with the boxes.

“Thank you, Nyko. I’m going to miss you.”

The old man was retiring. He shook hands with Lexa and Clarke.

“I wish you both the best. Take care. I will miss both of you.”

Lexa and Clarke watched him go, feeling bittersweet. It was Nyko, who witnessed most of their intimate night outs. It was Nyko, who made sure the both of them got home safe.

Lexa looked around at the new space. She missed and loved her old apartment. But she had a feeling she was going to love this new home more. Especially when the person she loved the most was living in it.

 

\--

 

Clarke was painting and drawing in the what-would-be-their bedroom. Lexa snuck behind her, dipped her finger in blue paint, and proceeded to colour Clarke’s cheek.

Clarke gasped and dropped her brush.

“You did NOT just do that.” Clarke turned around to face Lexa. Revenge was already on the tip of her fingers.

“Oh yes, I did.”

“I swear to God. I will get you.”

“Come and get me.”

Shrieks and laughter filled the room. Few minutes later, Clarke had Lexa pinned down. She was straddling her. There were smudges of green and blue all over Lexa’s face down to her chest.

“You win, Clarke. I’m waving the white flag.”

“Good.”

Clarke reached down and kissed her.

“I didn’t know losers have rewards.”

“You’re my loser. And I love you.” Her smile matching Lexa’s.

“I love you too.”

Clarke’s blue-green painted fingers slipped underneath Lexa’s shirt.

“Take this off. I’m not done yet.”

 

\--

 

Lexa brought Clarke with her to visit Indra. Lincoln and her girlfriend arrived later.

“Clarke. Lexa.” Octavia looked at the both of them. Her brow arched in surprise.

“Hey, O.” Clarke greeted.

“Thank God, the cakes are finally here,” Octavia said. “You and Lexa are going to help me and eat these cakes. And rate them from 1 to 10.”

Clarke and Lexa looked at each other, remembering the time when they ate too much sweet stuff.

Indra crossed her arms in dismay. Her table was filled with sample cakes and card designs. Her face softened when she realised something.

“All of you are here. What a rare sight.” Indra said.

Lincoln walked over to hug his aunt.

“I’ve missed you.”

“Now, now. I’m not growing younger. Any tighter you’ll break my old bones.”

Lincoln just laughed and let go of Indra.

“Indra, you look the same as ever,” Lexa commented.

“Look who’s the flatterer now once their girlfriend is here with them.”

Lexa just groaned. Lincoln joined in the teasing. Octavia muttered something through a mouth full of cake. And it made everyone laughed.

“Where’s Raven?” Indra asked. “Anya?”

“Speak of the devil,” Lincoln said. “Devils.”

Raven and Anya brought desserts.

“What were you guys laughing about? I could hear you from a mile away.” Raven asked.

“We were talking about Lexa and her past,” Lincoln answered. He received a glare from Lexa, but he ignored it.

“Basically, Lincoln is trying to scare Clarke off by telling stories about me.”

“Clarke needs to know what she’s in for.”

They continued to joke. Slowly, Clarke found herself leaning on Lexa’s shoulder, listening to various stories about their personal lives and works. She intertwined her fingers with Lexa’s.

Lexa didn’t mind so much of the bantering and teases. Especially when she had Clarke on her side.

 

\--

 

Lexa was on the balcony, admiring the view. There were fields of flowers across the land. She made a mental note to come back here every few months.

“Woah. It’s beautiful.” Clarke said. She wrapped her arms around Lexa’s waist and rested her chin on Lexa’s shoulder. She kissed the space between Lexa’s neck and shoulder.

“It is.”

Lexa warmed herself into Clarke’s embrace.

“They really love you,” Clarke muttered.

“They’re going to love you too.”

 

\--

 

[Rotten Tomatoes review] #12

_…Clarke Griffin brought a lot more to the story, outshining her co-star. If not for her, the movie would have plummeted. She showed us that she deserves the “Best Actress” award. I am looking forward to seeing more of her. Alexa’s take on the film reminded us that there is only so much that a director can do with a sub-par story. If the rumour turns out to be true that the next movie continues without Alexa’s direction, it’ll suffer greatly._

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading!


End file.
